List Maker

“She knew this transition was not about becoming better, but about finally allowing herself to become who she’d always been.”

-Amy Rubin

I have always been an independent one. I am a list maker and note taker. I need plans. I can be bossy at times and like having control. In my mind, letting go was a flaw, an imperfection. But what I am slowly learning is that letting go and living in the moment are two beautiful ways to live. There are times for lists and plans, but there are also times to just pack a bag and go.

It is amazing how much pictures truly give away. Looking back at old memories, you can see almost exactly when a spark disappeared from my eyes. The “glow” from my smile was gone. It always seemed so forced. So I stopped smiling for the camera. I will never forget the moment it came back. Suddenly, my world was brighter, the little things didn't bother me so much, and I finally let go.

When you are happy, truly happy, it is almost impossible to hide it. I have learned that my happiness doesn't come from anyone else. I control my mood. I decide how my day is going to go. I may have a long and stressful day ahead at work, but I have a job. All of my money may be going to pay off bills, but at least I have money to pay them. I may have a quarter tank of gas that has to last a week, but at least I have a car to get me places. At the end of the day, there isn't much I can complain about. I am healthy, young, I have a full life ahead of me, and I am truly blessed. I have wonderful family and friends. Honestly, how lucky am I? How many people can truly say they have such an amazing and strong support system who will stick by them through anything? How many people get second chances? My life may be crazy and not exactly how I had planned it, but I am loving almost every second of it.

When you surround yourself with positive thoughts and erase the negativity from your life, it is amazing how

your life can change. For years I thought there was something wrong with me. I was convinced I was doing everything wrong. And I was. I wasn't taking care of myself. I was letting others control my happiness.

Never in my life have I been able to just hop in the car and take a mini vacation without a plan. I have done that twice this month. Never in my life have I eaten a cupcake without feeling guilty. I have done that once this month. Never in my life have I liked my smile. But I am learning to love it. I may get squinty eyes and dimples, but they are mine. Never in my life have I lost track of time. I have been doing that a lot lately. Never in my life have I been able to just let go. It may take baby steps, but I am getting there.

I may have a lot of cleaning up to do, but I couldn't ask to be anywhere else. The road ahead may be a long one filled with obstacles; but what I have learned is that I can truly do anything. At the end of it all, I know it will be worth it. And I can’t wait until the day I can look back and say, “I did it!”