List Maker

“She knew this transition was not about becoming better, but about finally allowing herself to become who she’d always been.”

-Amy Rubin

I have always been an independent one. I am a list maker and note taker. I need plans. I can be bossy at times and like having control. In my mind, letting go was a flaw, an imperfection. But what I am slowly learning is that letting go and living in the moment are two beautiful ways to live. There are times for lists and plans, but there are also times to just pack a bag and go.

It is amazing how much pictures truly give away. Looking back at old memories, you can see almost exactly when a spark disappeared from my eyes. The “glow” from my smile was gone. It always seemed so forced. So I stopped smiling for the camera. I will never forget the moment it came back. Suddenly, my world was brighter, the little things didn't bother me so much, and I finally let go.

When you are happy, truly happy, it is almost impossible to hide it. I have learned that my happiness doesn't come from anyone else. I control my mood. I decide how my day is going to go. I may have a long and stressful day ahead at work, but I have a job. All of my money may be going to pay off bills, but at least I have money to pay them. I may have a quarter tank of gas that has to last a week, but at least I have a car to get me places. At the end of the day, there isn't much I can complain about. I am healthy, young, I have a full life ahead of me, and I am truly blessed. I have wonderful family and friends. Honestly, how lucky am I? How many people can truly say they have such an amazing and strong support system who will stick by them through anything? How many people get second chances? My life may be crazy and not exactly how I had planned it, but I am loving almost every second of it.

When you surround yourself with positive thoughts and erase the negativity from your life, it is amazing how

your life can change. For years I thought there was something wrong with me. I was convinced I was doing everything wrong. And I was. I wasn't taking care of myself. I was letting others control my happiness.

Never in my life have I been able to just hop in the car and take a mini vacation without a plan. I have done that twice this month. Never in my life have I eaten a cupcake without feeling guilty. I have done that once this month. Never in my life have I liked my smile. But I am learning to love it. I may get squinty eyes and dimples, but they are mine. Never in my life have I lost track of time. I have been doing that a lot lately. Never in my life have I been able to just let go. It may take baby steps, but I am getting there.

I may have a lot of cleaning up to do, but I couldn't ask to be anywhere else. The road ahead may be a long one filled with obstacles; but what I have learned is that I can truly do anything. At the end of it all, I know it will be worth it. And I can’t wait until the day I can look back and say, “I did it!”

Chapter Two

“In life we do things. Some we wish we had never done. Some we wish we could replay a million times in our heads. But they all make us who we are. And in the end they shape every detail about us. If we were to reverse any of them we wouldn't be the person we are. So just live. Make mistakes. Have wonderful memories. But never ever second guess who you are. Where you have been. And most importantly where it is you're going.”

-Unknown

On July 20, 2013, my life began again. I was given a rare second chance. Life decided to take a complete turn. At the time, I thought life was playing a sick joke. Never would I have imagined I would end up where I was. I felt like I was living a complete out of body experience. I was watching myself go through hell and back. I can’t count the number of times over the past few years I prayed I would wake up and it would have just been a dream nightmare. I was, or I at least I thought I was, trapped.

While I am not ready to tell the world about the past few years, I am loving sharing my present and future. The future is a beautiful thing. I believe in fate but I believe that our actions now eventually lead us to where we belong. While I have made countless mistakes, many of which I am embarrassed and ashamed by, I do not regret them. Without those mistakes, I would not be where I am today. I would not be as strong as I am today. And I would not have the knowledge and strength I have today, which I am often told is far beyond my years.

I have always been a dreamer. I would fantasize about a life other than my own. I would search for happiness in places I didn’t belong. But it is amazing how in a split second that can completely change. I don’t know what exactly happened to me that night, but something in my soul changed. I found a new found confidence and strength. I understood that I didn’t need to rely on others for my happiness. I found a love for myself that allowed me to put myself first and be a little selfish at times. I was always trying to please others, never myself. I have always believed that kindness and compassion are two of the most important qualities in anyone, what I didn’t realize is that you also have to learn kindness and compassion towards yourself.

I have learned that life is a journey and you can never know for certain what comes next. I have learned what true happiness is. I have learned that true friends are hard to find, but when you do, you will know. I have learned that it is okay to let go. I have learned how to ask for help. I have learned that there are very few people in this world you can trust with all your heart, and that is okay. I have learned that we all make mistakes, and I will be judged for them and that is okay too. I can’t change how others view me, but I can forgive myself. I have learned to be kinder and smile more. Even on my darkest days, there is always someone going through something worse than I am. I have learned to enjoy the happy times and simplest of moments, because life is a beautiful gift. I don’t know where life will take me next, but where ever I go, I know I can handle it. Even if it is just one step at a time, I can do anything.