Hello Autumn

Just a couple of shots from this weekend, because sometimes we just have to take a break from working...

A Million Little Things

This post has been haunting me for quite a while. I have been planning now it for what feels like eons. And for some reason, tonight, I feel like owning it. This is my story, and my story alone. Keep your criticism to yourself unless you feel like walking a mile in my shoes. At the end of the day, my past made me who I am today. And although it was rocky and full of  things I would never with upon anyone, it is what helped shape me. Everything in my past lead me to the life I have today, and I wouldn't trade it for a second. 

Where do I even begin? It was a million little things that led me to where I am today. How can I possibly choose just one? What I have learned over the past few years is that we will never know the entire story of anyone else, so who are we to judge? Had I listened to everyone around me, I would have never ended up where I am today. Today, I am a student. Today, I have gotten rid of all of the toxic people in my life. Today, I am surrounded by love and an amazing support system. Today, I am no longer faking a smile. Today, I am finally happy. But there was a time, not so long ago, where I wasn't. I was searching for who I was supposed to be. 

1085 days ago, every voice in my head screamed don't do it. But the little rebel inside of me did it anyways. I was filled with regret the moment I said those two simple words. But I did it. And therefore, I thought I had to live with such a horrible decision for the rest of my life.

I wasn't allowed to go to the gym. I wasn't allowed to go on walks. I wasn't allowed to hang out with friends. I wasn't allowed to keep my accounts and phone conversations private. I was questioned if I got home just minutes later than normal. Everything was my fault. I suffered through emotional and mental abuse. I prayed that he would just hit me, so then it would be okay to leave. My bank account was constantly being drained. At just nineteen, I was supporting not only myself, but another adult. While a few know the depths of what I went through, I don't think I will ever openly talk about it with the public, because at the end of the day, it is my business and my business alone.

I will never forget the night it all came out. All of the secrets he had been hiding, everything I had found. That was the moment I became the person I always dreamed of being. That was the moment I finally realized my own strength. Something just clicked inside my brain and I was no longer afraid, I was gaining control of my life. I had finally had enough. I had finally realized that I could change my life, I just had to take the first step. Believe me, it wasn't easy. To sum it up, it was terrifying, a complete nightmare. Not only was I afraid of my situation, I was scared s**tless of how others were going to judge me. I had to constantly remind myself that I had to do it for me, and my future. The best advice I ever received was from my little sister, "would you ever what your children to go through this?" And that was what I had to keep reminding myself. Over and over again. I can't imagine getting through it all without the help and support of my family. But eventually it all came to an end and I was out.

"If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." 

-Paulo Coehlo 

Life has a funny way of throwing amazing opportunities at us at the worst possible times. I wasn't looking for anyone, in fact, I wasn't planning on being with anyone for a long long time. But the world had an entirely different plan. And because of that, I truly believe it was a lesson from the world, teaching me about the taking control of my life. I was blessed with my best friend, and over the past year, we have been blessed with the most amazing life. We may live in a tiny apartment and sometimes struggle to get by, but to us, we live in a castle and have everything we need.

I am often told that I am "wise beyond my years." Sometimes, I think this is a curse. While I know I wouldn't be who I was today if I had not gone through so much at a young age, I often wish I hadn't. But I know I can't change the past, I can only learn from it. I know in my heart I went through everything for a reason. At the moment, I don't know the exact reason, but I know the time will come. 

"Let the hard things in life break you. Let them effect you. Let them change you. Let those hard moments inform you. Let this pain be your teacher. The experiences of your life are trying to tell you something about yourself. Don’t cop out on that. Don’t run away and hid under your covers. Lean into it. What is the lesson in the wind? What is the storm trying to tell you? What will you learn if you face it with courage? With full honesty and – lean into it.” 

-Pema Chodron